I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
