Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it hurts more in the daytime
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
