I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
