I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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