Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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