Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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