Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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