If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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