Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
