Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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