theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
