you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
