I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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