The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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