Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
