trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize