Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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