Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
