I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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