Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
