I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
