i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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