nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we're making bets on your personal life
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
