I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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