I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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