Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
