If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
