yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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