saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
