I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
