i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
3 2 1 whiskey
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
