dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
