I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
