Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
