naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
