That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
