Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize