I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
