so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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