you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
