the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
