420 ftw
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
