it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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