you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
