I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
