you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
