When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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