someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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