I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
