her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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