I am puke
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
