He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
