the condom got lost in my hair
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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