I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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