nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
