my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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