i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize