Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
