im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
