i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
